The Word Weaver
Inviting you to know & embrace Jesus Christ
Deb Weaver
"Killing Myself With Kindness"
by The Word Weaver, Deb on April 21st, 2012

There's no excuse.  I was rude.

It wasn't the pharmacist's fault that I was running late or that I didn't have my pharmacy card.  It wasn't her fault I'd rushed around that day and failed to spend time with Jesus.

My "SpongeDeb CrankyPants" were showing.  Again.  (Sorry for burning THAT image into your brain!)  Believe me--I know it's not a pretty sight.  "Jesus-filled Deb" is FAR more gracious, patient, kind, and pleasant than "Plain ol' Deb."  

Everything about me spoke my displeasure:
  • The tense look on my face
  • My piercing gaze beneath my cocked eyebrow (a look I perfected in Mr. Brumback's eighth grade science class)
  • My derisive tone of voice
If my Mom was here she would say, "Deb, it's not what you say that gets you into trouble; it's how you say it."  Again.  I can't count the number of times I've heard that.  Nor the number of times it was true.  Only this time, it was both.

My words--the subtle threat (okay, okay, not so subtle) to take my business elsewhere next time--were far from gracious.  My tone of voice just shoved them all the way home to rude.

My pastor often quotes his mentor, Dr. Craig Loscalzo, PhD., who says, "You never regret extending grace."

But you'll surely regret being ungracious.  At least I do.  Even after I apologized to the poor woman, I felt horrible. 

In fact, I kicked myself.  Thoroughly.  Roughly.

Berated myself.  Soundly.  Completely.

Flipped on a "Mental Demotivational Seminar" (you know--those negative self-talk tapes we so often replay in our head) and turned it up LOUDLY and pressed REPEAT for nearly an hour.

Then I got a grip.  Honestly, did the punishment fit the crime?  Really?  Were my actions wrong?  Yes, of course; but I'd already apologized and felt real remorse.  Not to make light of my act or of His sacrifice, but Someone has already paid for my crimes.  It's unnecessary to crucify myself.

Over a cup of comforting ginger-peach hot tea, I realized that this wasn't the only time this week that I've treated myself like dirt over a small offense. I'm seeing a pattern~I need to learn to love myself more.  I'm often gracious and encouraging to others--even those who are unkind to me.  Why can't I extend that same kindness to myself?  Why am I my own worst enemy?
Photo credit:  Ali Weaver, 2012, Ugh! Yes, that is sugar.  Don't try this at home.
It's time to start killing myself with kindness!  It's going to take some practice and concentrated effort.  Here are some initial intentions:

Press STOP on the destructive mental tape as soon as I recognize it playing in the background.

Remind myself of truth repeatedly--though I sin regularly, forgiveness is readily available.  Though I screw up, I am loveable.  And loved.  Oh, how my Maker lavishes His love upon me!  He delights in mercy and immerses me in His grace.  He treats me far better than I deserve.  That's grace.  And it is amazing!

Listen to what my body needs and fulfill those needs without condemnation--If I'm sleeping terribly (as I often do), I shouldn't label myself as lazy when I take a nap or sleep late.  

Restart my gratitude journal--savor moments of beauty, joy, and blessing.

Walk outside daily. 

Surround myself with beauty, order, and little things that make a difference (candles, music, tea in pretty china cups...and on a related reminder note to myself, it really does help to pick up the house at night.  Waking to a sense of order is worth the effort.

Create "margins" (pockets of space, time) in my schedule, day, week, month, year.  Giving myself extra time imparts grace into my life.

Regularly invest time with forever friends who love, challenge, and support me.  I need them.  They need me.

Celebrate small victories!  Pat myself on the back, even if it's for something that others do easily.

What do YOU do to show kindness and love to yourself?  Please share your ideas in the comment section.  I'd love to add more to my list.

Oh, and if you see me kicking myself unnecessarily, please stop me!  

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Copyright 2012, The Word Weaver, Deb Weaver


Posted in A Work in Progress    Tagged with Kindness, Enemy


8 Comments

Scott - April 21st, 2012 at 8:35 PM
Can you talk to Jamie about this??!! PML
The Word Weaver, Deb - April 21st, 2012 at 9:20 PM
It's a struggle for a lot of us! Please share the link to the article with her. You can remind her that I think she's pretty wonderful!
Teresa Bowen - April 21st, 2012 at 9:18 PM
Friend, I needed that! Perfectly put, perfect timing!
The Word Weaver, Deb - April 21st, 2012 at 9:19 PM
(((HUGS))), dear friend. I'm glad that our journeys aid the other.
September - April 22nd, 2012 at 2:28 PM
I have the same problem -- I am so much harder on myself than I ever could be on anyone else. Thanks for writing about this!
The Word Weaver, Deb - April 22nd, 2012 at 3:02 PM
I am such an encourager of others and struggle to do it for myself! It's good to know I'm not alone! We'll have to remind one another.
Cathy - April 22nd, 2012 at 6:15 PM
Oh Deb --- Do I ever hear you! Thanks for reminding ME to be as kind to myself as I am to others AND special thanks for listing out the simple, lovely things that I can do each day to achieve self-graciousness! :)


The Word Weaver, Deb - April 22nd, 2012 at 6:19 PM
You're welcome! We'll have to remind one another!
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